(This post is a letter to Peyton about our developing relationship since her birth – the truth – the ups and downs – a pouring of honesty and love directly from my heart – part 1).
Dear Peyton,
I just dropped you off at school where you go part-time. You love it there, though recently it’s been more of a struggle to get you out the door. I think it probably has something to do with your baby sister being born. You probably feel a little deprived for attention – especially one-on-one attention. Since I’m breastfeeding your little sister, it’s hard to get any time alone with you, though I try to squeeze in as many snuggle and play one-on-one moments as possible while your sister is sleeping. I promise you, it will get better. Not only will we have wonderful family moments, when your sister is a little bigger, we will start being able to have one-on-one Mommy-Daughter moments again. I’m working on planning an afternoon outing just the two of us for next week. It will be a nice break from all the chaos our house has endured these past six weeks.
I want you to know that I love you more than anything – more than I thought I could ever love anyone or anything. (Tears streaming as I type this). You were born to me and your daddy at the exact right moment (although we thought we weren’t ready). I was on birth control when I got pregnant with you – but it failed. Word to the wise, when you are on prescription meds when you are an adult – be careful. I had just had neck surgery and even though I was on birth control, will all the meds I had been taking, you were created. With all the hell my body was going through at that time, it was a miracle you were created and born problem-free. God has a plan for you as he does for us. You are our miracle child and you were placed on this earth for a reason. And we couldn’t have been happier when you were born.
Since you were born, you have been a blessing to all of those that you have come into contact with. You have these big bright blue eyes and the most enchanting smile. You have this uncanny ability to brighten up any room you walk into with your smile and laugh. You turn strangers into friends instantly. You have friends from baby to age 100. You remember everyone you meet – names and faces. There is a never a trip to the grocery store that you don’t encounter someone you know and we usually leave with you having made a new friend. All the elderly people you meet – I’m positive that you have brightened there day and probably there week. You make people just feel better by your presence. And you are so concerned for people’s well being. You hate it when people are hurt or sad. When someone is hurt or crying, you feel there pain, and it effects you. You talk to them and try your best to make them feel better. You are so concerned for there well being. You keep checking on them and there are times, where when someone older has been hurt, that you have asked me repeatedly to take you to “take care of them”. There was an older lady at our church who fell and hurt her hip. She had to have surgery. When you found out, you told me that you had to go take care of her and she would get better. You say the sweetest little prayers for those you love and know. You ask God to take care of those you know and love and even those you don’t. When someone is hurt, you always ask about them constantly until they are better. And those rare times that you have caused someone pain (like when you scratched your baby sister’s face), you have been so saddened by your actions that you have apologized for weeks and it has brought tears to your eyes on several occasions.
We struggled developing a connection after you were born. You and me. Of course I loved you and you loved me. But I worked all the time and your Grandmama took care of you during the day. Then most evenings, your Nana and Papa took care of you. I was out of the house the majority of the time for work – at one point, even working two jobs. So, when it was just you and me, we struggled with what to do with our few hours together. It broke my heart when I would come pick you up and you would cry because you wanted to stay with your grandparents. It kept me at arms length for a while because I was afraid to “love you to much”. Of course, I got over that, but it took me a while.
Honestly, losing my job, just before your 2nd birthday, was a huge blessing in our relationship. I’ve sort of become a stay-at-home mom since then. We have spent the majority of time with each other since then and our days are fun filled. We play all day. I don’t spoil you and I discipline you. But I try to plan something memorable to do with each day it’s just us – crafts, a trip to the park, outside time, whatever it may be. We have been closer that I ever thought we would be at this age. Our relationship now is the epitome of what a mother-daughter relationship should be. It’s more than I ever hoped for. My heart is over-flowing with love for you. And now that your sister has arrived, it hasn’t changed, if anything, it’s increased. I’m so blessed to have this time with you at this age. I don’t know how much longer I will be a sahm, but I want you to know that I’m truly enjoying and treasuring these moments with you.
You are your mother’s daughter and your father’s daughter. You have some of my personality traits, but you have a LOT of your dad’s personality as well. You are kind, gentle, open. But you have a short-temper and get mad easily (thank you daddy). ;) But you love BIG and you have a huge heart. You forgive quickly and have more love inside of you than anyone I’ve ever seen. You have a lot of your dad’s talents. I can already tell that you are musically inclined – you got that from your daddy. He’s a very talented singer and plays guitar. And although you are a girlie girl at times (like me), you love to play outside and get dirty, which are also traits you got from me. I was girlie, but a tomboy at the same time and played numerous sports. I also did a lot of theatre. I have a feeling you have a combination of all of these talents and interests and I am excited to see you grow and see what interests of your own you develop. You are unbelievably smart. You have the vocabulary of a 5 year old and you’ve been talking in complete, complex sentences since you were 18 months old. You understand adult conversations without needing a translation. You understand farsi and can speak it with your Papa (he is from Iran and I’m 1/2 Persian, so you are 1/4). You used to know a lot of sign language, but I’ve kind of let that slide, so we are going to pick that back up again. I love the fact that you are bi-lingual. And you are learning some spanish at school which makes me incredibly happy. You are brilliant. I have high hopes for your future and I know you will do amazingly well with whatever you decide to do with your life one day.
I want you to know how much I love you and that I am so thankful and blessed to be your mother. I will continue these letters in the future, but I wanted to start somewhere. I hope one day you will understand how much love I have for you and how deep our connection is. It’s hard to explain how our relationship has developed and changed since your birth. But this is a start. I love you my darling girl.
Love, Mommy
- Princess Hair (hiphomeschooling.wordpress.com)
